Sometimes the stick you poke into your eye turns up cancer of the pancreas

Self-diagnosis is no fun.

Today I found out that I am a paedophile.

Sat in a toilet cubicle making hands with meat over the image of a girl I’d been “led to believe was much older” I noticed somewhere on the page, a reference to her age:

15.

14 when my infatuation had begun, maybe younger. I finished what I had to do (cutting out in the middle serves no purpose) and left the hospital.

My God - Fifteen years old. Three years ‘till she’s legal, by which time I’ll be a twenty-four year old man with nothing to offer this barren planet but a string of molestation charges and failed prison relationships that never worked out.

As a kid (8, 9) I liked older women - 12 years, 13 years, that’s what I was after.

Maturity.

Girls who wore make up and could just about squeeze into 15 certificate rated movies.

So it’s just a case of my taste not changing, right?

Right, I’m the same guy I ever was.

Problem is, certain people won’t see it that way. History is littered with the bones of people who paid the price for their unwavering loyalty to one age bracket.

My choice seems simple; either give in to society’s demands and become a law abiding non-paedophile or carry on down this tearful road of stolen innocence and DOOM.

How the hell was I to know she was BORN IN 1992? Girls are starting to look older and older, to the point where everyone becomes a paedophile of thought at some point in their lives. Hear that? EVERYONE. Let me show you what I mean.

Ask Sir Trevor how old he thought the ‘piece of paper’ he was violently tearing at in the picture was and he’d probably say “that’s a silly question”. The reality is that it’s a 14year old girl still developing both emotionally and physically. She’s not ready to rush into a relationship and if she was, she’d want it to be on her terms, to push when she wanted to push, and to pull when she wanted to pull. It also begs the question: Why was one of the Knights of the Kingdom tearing at a girl like she was a piece of vile, blue meat, with his bare hands? Why has this never been investigated?

Verdict? Sir Trevor Macdonald is a paedophile who won’t ever take ‘no’ for an answer.

Chris Tarrant – Sure, Chris Tarrant might tell you these are adults he’s pictured with but the truth is a little closer to home. And by ‘home’ i mean, ‘a group of kids dressed as adults, and the real Lenny Henry’. For further proof, look at the breasts of the ‘woman’, - what child could expect to suck from the taps of those mammary glands and still expect to see another day?

Chris Tarrant likes to dangle his cheques and then, at the last minute, pull them away to comic effect but is that going to work on a bunch of kids? Actually…

Verdict – Chris Tarrant is a financial-incentive based paedophile and Lenny Henry needs to realise he’s just a pawn in Tarrant’s vile game.

Now you see?

Look, I’m not trying to be a dick about this, really I’m not. I’m facing up to the monster that lives inside me. Fifteen years old. I am a paedophile. Until I can prove that Billy Ray Cyrus has been meddling with Time in his basement, those are just simply the facts.

Where next? First there will be the breaking of the news to my family. I can’t go on living this lie. They have every right to disown me. But to disown a man with my ‘condition? That’s probably the worst thing to do.. Wandering the streets without a home and quite unable tell the age of girls, I could easily become another Sir Trevor Macdonald. No, what I need is treatment at the hands of women my own age, so that I can learn to distinguish the key differences between girls holding crayons and girls not holding crayons.

Chances are, you have or are about to offend a child’s honour with your thoughts. The choice is yours – roll around in the tight flesh of fresh meat or admit you need help.

Fifteen? 4 REELZ?

‘Fraid so.

If this isn’t the end, it sure feels like it.